Okay, so my post tonight is very personal but I wanted to write about this just to show you that no matter what you're going through right now, you can get through it
Within the last year my Dad has become really ill. He collapsed last September and hit his head and from that, it triggered a bleed in his brain, and because of where it is, the Doctors can't do anything about it otherwise it will kill him, so he is living with Alzheimer's and Dementia. A few months ago he fell again in town, and this time, it put him in hospital for a month, this was really hard for me because for a while he didn't recognise me and that broke my heart more than anything because my dad is my absolute everything.
After that month of being in hospital, he got to come home, but I knew that it wouldn't ever be the same, there would be good days and bad days, and every day was a gamble! but that didn't matter because he was with me. However, yesterday, my dad had another fall and has become worse than we expected, now he is having hallucinations and he keeps hearing things that aren't there. At 2 am this morning, I was woken up by the noise of my dad moving around so I ran downstairs, he was trying to get into the kitchen but couldn't so I put him back to bed and sat with him until he was asleep again before I went back to bed before it was time for me to get up for sixth form. Today when I got in from sixthform, my dad explained to me that the reason he got up is because he heard a storm (there wasn't one) and that he had been sat talking to his friend (who has been dead for 4 yrs) and he even spoke to his parents, who are also dead. This really scared me and I don't have a clue what it means, could my Dad be coming to the end of his life, I am not sure.
I just wanted to share this with you guys because, although I am not fully coping, I mean, it's definitely hard to balance 4 A-levels, and caring for my Dad as well but I am a happy person. You probably don't understand how I stay so happy when my Dad is dying and there is nothing I can do about it. but the truth is, it's my faith, God gives me my strength, and to you, God may be a myth but he is my ultimate strength right now! It's very hard for me, and I am not a sad person, I had to grow up way before my time so now I don't express my emotions that well, which is why writing helps me. My life isn't easy, I often go to bed crying because I am worrying about my Dad, and work build up is stressing me out, but I can honestly say that, without God and the friends he has blessed me with, I would have ended my life by now, and I don't say that for attention or because it's a good one liner, I just feel like had it not been for my faith, and my friends, I would have nothing to live for
So yeah, now you can understand a bit of me, and if you're my friend and you read this, don't feel like you have to pussy foot around me, I am still YY!
No comments:
Post a Comment